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Raw Veganism Is the Latest Health Craze Where I Don’t Have to Wear a Condom

The new year is in full swing, and like me, you’re probably feeling it. After months of shows, holiday parties, and reconnecting with your hometown friends over crystal meth behind the bowling alley, your body could use a hard reset. That’s why I decided to try out this radical new diet which promises to purge toxic chemicals, diseases, and the inconvenience of having to buy condoms from your life.

As a former vegan for one month, I know well the benefits of building a diet around ethnocentrism and the trauma of PETA videos. But lately, and for the next two weeks or so, it’s the raw vegan way of life that most resonates with me: no animal products, nothing processed or cooked, and no more wasteful gift-wrap on your ding-dong.

That’s right: raw veganism is a truly enlightened way of eating and living that embraces vitality and nutrition, mostly by allowing me to soak my junk without a swim cap. Or at least, that’s where my minimal research has led me.

Much like raw-dogging, or the practice of making love to a very hot person free from the constraints of condoms, raw veganism is liberating, feels great, and is not recommended by most so-called “experts.” As a side-note, and in the spirit of love for our fellow creatures, it’s time to retire the speciesist term “raw dogging” in favor of something more wholesome, like “walking the dog without a leash” or “raw-eggplanting.”

Did you know that the average vegan man’s penis contains over 50 trillion different types of bacteria? Imagine how many of those might turn out to be healthy for you! Think about it: by choosing not to destroy your food with reckless and untested “cooking” methods, you give your stomach the gift of life; wouldn’t you want to give that same gift to your cucumber holster?

A lot of normies complain that the raw vegan diet is too expensive. But those people are obviously sunk deep in the bottomless money-drain that is the Big (and Regular) Condom Industry. Poor, brainwashed fools; so far, I’ve saved a ridiculous amount of money as a brief raw vegan by taking a strong stand and absolutely refusing to buy condoms. And my vitamin- and bacteria-dense trouser snake, having been allowed to shed its restrictive latex skin, is flourishing. The burning sensation when I pee is proof.