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Polycule Sick of Everyone Asking If They Own a Tiger

KALAMAZOO, Mich. — Last week, a local polycule reached its breaking point and spoke out on social media against the growing stereotype that polyamorous people are universally inclined towards casually owning large jungle predators.

“Wait, they don’t all own Tigers?” replied one confused Instagram follower of the polycule’s shared account. @tigersexbro continued, “Why else would you be poly? I have a hard time getting one person to want to keep fucking me, let alone enough to fill a duplex.”

The group of jilted lovers traces the spread of this particular misinformation to the Netflix docu-series “Tiger King.”

“We knew we were fucked the second we saw that documentary,” said polycule member Janna Rowe while wearing a leopard bodysuit. “Just because our lifestyle is indicative of a certain oneness and communal relationship with nature and from the outside that may appear to reflect a desire to tame that which can not be tamed, doesn’t mean we all feel a spiritual connection to the graceful beasts that rule the wild. That’s presumptuous. Meow.”

While optimism may be in short supply, this polycule is hopeful they will weather this storm, together.

“The stripes of a tiger may, from a distance, appear to be the bars of a cage,” said Jan Lang. “But how may an animal be caged if they are simply wearing the uniform bestowed upon them by nature? And if we must be caged, then who better to be caged with than your pride?”