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Person of the Year? This Guy Talked a Friend Out of Making an Acoustic “WAP” Cover

A global pandemic. Equality uprisings. The removal of Cyberpunk 2077 from the PlayStation store. This is a time of great upheaval. These are the times that forge great heroes. Heroes like Jordan Rutherford. Sure, Jordan’s name will never grace the pages of a her-story textbook but that’s not important! What matters is that this brave soul saved us from the most cringe-worthy, slur-filled acoustic cover since Ben Folds’ rendition of “Bitches Ain’t Shit.” Jordan Rutherford convinced his friend not to make a “WAP” acoustic cover. Fucking legend.

The Hard Times: It’s an honor to meet you, Mr. Jordan, sir. Sorry, we’re just excited. This is the first interview we’ve done with someone we respect. Can you tell us how this all started?

Jordan Rutherford: Aw heck, I just did what anyone else would do in my position. I was scrolling through insta and saw that my friend posted a black-and-white picture of his acoustic guitar and the caption, “WAP: Wet. Acoustic. Pussy.”

Dear God. 2020 has no bottom. After calling your therapist, what did you do next?

Obviously I couldn’t sit by and watch as potentially millions suffer so told him that it wasn’t a good idea.

What courage… What bravery. What happened next?

Well, usually when a white person has made the conscious decision to cover something with slurs in it, they tend to pride themselves on being logical thinkers; unaffected by distractions from the issue like emotion. And logic. I simply laid out why he shouldn’t cover “WAP.” I explained that the source of the “comedy” is the juxtaposition of his supposed superior civilized nature against rap’s “barbaric” qualities and there are likely unconscious racial prejudices at play here.

So how did you ultimately convince him?

I pointed out that white people could just as easily make funny acoustic covers of death metal or whiny-ass political punk songs. Like, how is that not already a popular thing? Exclusively covering rap is the solitary butt of this very one-note joke.

God bless you. God bless you, Jordan Rutherford!

Thanks. I’m just glad to be one of the good whites, saving the day for people of color everywhere.