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Opinion: You’re Not My Real Soccer Mommy!

No, I will not listen to you! You can’t tell me what to do. You tell me to take out the trash, wash the dishes, and mow the lawn. But I will never do that just because you said so. You’re not my real soccer mommy!

My real soccer mommy left to go shopping at a thrift store and she never came back.

My real soccer mommy is way cooler than you. She rides a skateboard and not even that well because she’s too cool. You try so hard to bond with me and it’s lame. You’ll never be the emotionally distant, indie singer-songwriter that my real soccer mommy is.

When you order me to do chores, brush my teeth, and finish my homework, I ignore the hypnotic hum of your mumbly croon. Because you’re not my real soccer mommy and you never will be. So stop trying because it’s not cool. And not in the intentionally uncool way that’s actually really cool. I don’t wanna be your dog!

I know that you think years from now I’ll look back on my behavior and apologize. I bet you think if you keep singing that same old song about inadequacy and depression that one day I’ll grow to see you as the supportive figure you’re trying to be. But I’m not ready to let go of the pain caused by losing my real soccer mommy. She’ll be back, I know it. Just as soon as young girls stop relating to depressing lyrics about self-esteem issues. Oh, wait. Shit.