Having trouble breaking into the job market with just your skills and qualifications? That’s adorable. When I was young, we earned our positions the old-school way: through time-honored networks of privileged connections.
Look, I worked hard to be born into the right family. Do you know how difficult it was to choose both white and affluent parents who also belonged to the right country club? The odds are stacked against you. But through sheer determination and an unwavering commitment to emerging from the correct womb, I persevered.
Unlike these DEI hires, I earned my position through pure merit, specifically the merit of my father’s racquet club doubles partner being the hiring manager. Do you think it was easy remembering which fork to use at all those networking dinners? Try maintaining perfect posture while discussing yacht maintenance with your future boss’s wife.
The problem with today’s youth is they’re too focused on developing “actual skills” instead of cultivating the right connections. I don’t understand why people waste time getting better at things and perfecting their LinkedIn profiles when they could just have their dad text his Skull & Bones group chat. That’s how real networking works. Is it my fault that your father didn’t think to pledge the right fraternity in 1985?
And don’t get me started on these new “blind hiring processes.” How is anyone supposed to recognize your family name if they can’t see it? My grandfather didn’t donate an entire library wing just so his descendants would have to compete on merit alone.
Some might call it nepotism. I call it preserving traditional values, like the value of my father’s coastal manor in Cape Cod, where coincidentally, all our board meetings take place. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interview my son for an entry-level executive position. He’s uniquely qualified, having spent the last four years managing his trust fund and occasionally showing up to lectures at Wharton. That’s the kind of real-world experience you just can’t teach.