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Oh I’m Sorry, Did My Words Offend You, Snowflake? Maybe I Should Scrub Them From the Internet and Let’s Not Talk About This Anymore, Ok?

Oh no! Did my words offend you? Pweease don’t kwyy, I sowwy— just to be clear, that was a baby voice, not a problematic accent, and I am truly, deeply sorry.

Look, I’ll admit it. What I said hasn’t exactly aged well. But the world has changed in the three minutes since I posted it. I’m learning that people are too sensitive now. Like, right now. I just learned that right now.

Today’s PC culture would never allow for great comedians to flourish like Richard Pryor, Sam Kinison, the first 5 minutes of Eddie Murphy’s Delirious, and Al Jolson. Fearless truth tellers like us are an endangered species and that’s why I am begging you- please, please don’t tell anyone what I said and then deleted just now.

We can make this all go away and act like it never happened. Honestly, I already did.

I combed through all my social media to remove any content that might offend snowflake human resource managers like you— no offense— but somehow I missed this one. Don’t get me wrong, I stand by every hypocritical statement I overlooked while scrubbing my accounts but I’m happy to apologize to anyone offended by the words I went to great lengths to cover up.

Especially any of the people I tried to cancel over the past year.

However — and will you please close the door — did you hear the one about the Indian guy who… shit, wait you’re Indian aren’t you? Or are you the ‘P’ one? Pakagawea? Whatever, you probably don’t like Mexicans so I’ll tell one about those guys.

Okay, wait, don’t call security! Let me try one more time. What I think I’m trying to say is, if you choose to fire me, I will remain deeply unapologetic for anything I am truly sorry about. Does this make sense? I hope not.

Anyway, it’s your call. I can either be a free speech warrior who terrorizes your fragile snowflake existence until security throws me out, or I can go back to that cotton candy machine and the best Goddamn vendor you’ve ever seen. For both of our sake, I hope you choose the latter.