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No One’s Leaving This Venue Until This Audience Figures out How to Clap in 5/4 Time

Everybody just be cool, okay?! The doors are locked and chained from the outside, and nobody is leaving this blackbox venue until you all get your shit together and successfully clap on a 5/4 time signature. We gave you several opportunities to figure it out earlier in the set, but clearly we need to implement some gun-toting tough love to get everyone on tempo.

If it helps, I came up with a mnemonic device: 5/4 is just five quarter beats. And right now I have an Ak 5 assault rifle locked, loaded, and pointed in your goddamn faces. See? It’s easy. Just clap along to the beat. Why are you crying? This isn’t one of our sad songs.

We’re not an unreasonable band. All we require is that you clap on every third quarter note for the entire 19-minute song. Do you know how hard it is to write a catchy song outside of 4/4 time? It’s about a million times harder than clapping along to a basic-ass beat, especially when you have a bullet in your head. Oh, you’re also gonna want to keep in mind that the breakdown around the 8 minute mark switches to 7/8 time signature. Do that too and you’re free to go.

But please, stop making this so hard on yourselves. It’s almost like you want me to hurt you or something. Okay, from the top. Everyone, keep the beat as if your life depends on it because it literally does.

Oh fuck, the cops are outside. And that pig on the megaphone is definitely going to throw off your rhythm. These cops just don’t care about the lives of the people they serve, huh?

All I ever wanted was an audience that understood odd time signatures. If it’s a crime to be a perfectionist who illegally procured an assault rifle to hold dozens of people hostage, then lock me up. Figuratively, obviously. This isn’t a confession. Stop recording this on your cell phones or I’ll shoot out the air conditioning unit. Actually wait, you think the cop’s have a metronome function on that megaphone?

Alright, let’s try this one more time. 1 and 2 and 3 and…

Goddammit, really?! I get that some of you are exhausted from fear but your timing is still shit. And you all keep speeding up. Ugh. Tell the cops to send in our ransom in the form of pizza and coffee. It’s gonna be a long night.