You’ll be hard-pressed to find a worse man-made blight on this planet than private equity firms. All they are good for is making obscenely wealthy investors even more wealthy while destroying companies in the name of “doing business”.
But in the case of Jones & Jones Capital, sometimes doing that business results in a deal closing so egregious that you accidentally purchase your own firm and go bankrupt. And man, is it a glorious sight to see.
We know it sounds confusing (and impossible), but here’s how it works: the firms buy these companies under the guise of “improving them”, then offload their debt onto said companies and then make them pay rent on the land until they can’t afford it anymore. And according to capitalism this is supposed to continue forever with zero consequences. But you know what they say: fuck around and find out.
Thanks to J&J’s bloodthirsty and unrelenting drive to buy every business they could get their hands on, it was only a matter of time before there would be nothing left but to purchase themselves, and begin instinctively making things more efficient by selling off their assets and firing employees. They probably should have listened to the nerds in accounting!
It’s like watching a real-life ouroboros finally swallow itself whole, with the added bonus of multi-millionaire vultures throwing themselves out of their Fifth Avenue penthouses. Red Lobster and the original Boeing engineers will be avenged!
You’re probably thinking what this means for you, the average American who doesn’t spend their waking hours being a cancer on the financial system. Honestly, not a whole lot since most of that money just disappeared into the ether. However, we have on good authority that a Midwest grocery store they bought and gutted is giving away free rotten eggs to throw at J&J’s recently laid-off finance bros as they walk out the building. Now that’s being efficient with your business.
It’s likely many 401k retirement funds, along with the stock market, may now be on the brink of irredeemable ruin. But watching a braintrust of overpaid, Harvard-educated daddy’s boys completely shit the bed with staggering incompetence is as beautiful a view as the Grand Canyon. Perhaps they should’ve paid attention in Econ 101 instead of harassing their female classmates.
So it looks like sometimes capitalism actually works the way it’s intended. Fingers crossed Blackrock accidentally deletes itself next!