My Uncle Ted stood at the lectern, tears in his eyes reciting “Auld Lang Syne”, when off in the distance an El Camino could be seen zig-zagging its way down the main path of the cemetery. As they pulled closer into view, I could make out five jovial-looking men hanging out of the car. The men giddily threw popcorn at each other and took turns pretending to surf. They hopped out of the El Camino laughing uncontrollably as they did spin moves around the surrounding tombstones.
Shit. It was the Barenaked Ladies and they only came here to do one thing.
Panic washed over me, their laughter unceasing and increasing in volume. “I’m the kind of guy who laughs at a funeral/Can’t understand what I mean/You soon will.” The threat had always been there but it truly never occurred to me, therefore preventative measures had not been taken. Things were starting to get out of hand here. First my father’s “forever” suit shrunk at the dry cleaners, then the hearse turned out to be just a PT Cruiser, and now the Barenaked Ladies were here making good on the funeral thing? FML.
And why were they only doing the funeral thing? They weren’t getting Frantic like Harrison Ford. Or having tantric sex like Sting. Nor did they have the values of LeAnn Rhimes for that matter. In an effort to ease tensions, I even asked one of them if they had any chickitty China the Chinese chicken and he didn’t even know what I was talking about!
And ya know, if it was just one of the guys from the band, that would maybe be permissible. But it was all five! The original line-up with Steven Page!! They don’t even tour with him anymore but apparently they still laugh at funerals together? SMH.
Poor Uncle Ted ambled to his seat, furtively glancing over towards the Barenaked Ladies, cackling hyenas, eternal harbingers of death laughing into the faces of some of my dad’s pickleball friends, Ed Robertson giving my Aunt Helen a back rub. How was I gonna get my dad’s funeral under control now?
“Can someone please tell me what’s so funny about pancreatic cancer!?” I shouted. A hush fell over proceedings. I had officially made a scene at my father’s funeral. SMDH.
They laughed all throughout the post-funeral banquet as well, which is never clearly implied in the song!