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If Men Are Paid So Much More, How Come My Girlfriend Always Has Money To Lend Me?

I believe in equal rights for all Americans, be they men, women, or even brown people. What I don’t believe in though is being manipulated by a bunch of greedy broads about some so-called, “wage gap.” Think I’m just a sexist pig? Keep reading, sweetheart, for indisputable evidence that the wage gap does not exist.  

Seems like every goddamn day I hear some feminazi harping on about, “wage inequality for women” and I just have one question. If men really get paid so much more, why does why girlfriend always have money to lend me?

Answer me that, you militant, man-hating lesbos. Seriously, you probably just need to get laid and you’d stop bitching so much about this clearly made up issue.

Case in point. My girlfriend, bless her heart, works just as many hours at her little career as I do at the bowling alley. Yet, here I am barely scraping together beer money while she’s throwing down rent checks like it’s no big deal, thus stripping me of my masculinity. Now you tell me who’s really the oppressed one?

Some PMSing hoes will even try to tell you that women are paid 78% of what men are paid. How can she be making 22% less than I do when while she can somehow afford her own car and I’m still over here having to get picked up by Skids anytime she won’t let me use the car? Explain that one, honey.  

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Now, I know some people will probably say that I’m just being some kind of, “anti-progressive” jerk off. But that’s simply not true. I’m all about destroying society’s expectations of what a man should be. In fact, I frequently let my girlfriend pay for dinner. How’s that for gender norms, huh?  Besides, she knows that I’ll totally get her back for it just as soon as Skids gets me the money he owes me. Now how about a smile, pretty?

Anyway, you got an extra smoke? I’m quitting but it’s OK when I’m drunk.

Do you have five bucks I can borrow till next week? Please let me know in the comments below!