Press "Enter" to skip to content

Jimmy Page, David Bowie, and 8 More Rockin’ Legends I Would Never Leave My 12-Year-Old Daughter Alone With

The annals of rock n’ roll are filled with legends. Shredding guitarists, larger-than-life frontmen, and hard partying-drummers all fill the ranks of history’s greatest bands. Oh, and pedophiles. Tons and tons of pedophiles. ALLEGEDLY! You’re going to see that word a lot in this article. But allegations are enough to make me guard my 12-year-old daughter Zephyr from these dudes.

Let’s look at 10 titans of rock who should have to tell their neighbors when they move into a new gated mansion community.


Jimmy Page is the reason I picked up a guitar. Jimmy Page is also the reason my daughter’s first words were “stranger danger.” The warning signs started with that Houses of the Holy artwork and worsened from there. Ol’ Jimbo was 28 when he allegedly started dating a 13-year-old. Creepy awfulness notwithstanding, what the hell do a 28 year old and a 13 year old talk about other than “How was school today?” I don’t get it, but then again I’m not a pedo creep.


I promise this list isn’t an exercise in sex negativity; I’m not some purity-obsessed Midwest evangelical farmer. I want my children to have fulfilling relationships in every way. But not with Mick Jagger. He is accused of sleeping with a 15-year-old actress in 1977, around the Rolling Stones’ third or fourth creative peak. Great songs that don’t eradicate some unforgivable decision making. Keep rolling past my family, Mick.


Even if Iggy were just known as a shirtless weirdo, that may be enough to keep him on your radar of potential predators. Google “iggy pop sable starr” if you want to ruin your day and/or lunch. He even seems to admit to this in the song “Look Away” which is what I will tell Zephyr to do if he’s ever in the vicinity.


Do I even need to explain this one? Do you pay attention to any music news at all? Then you know the story here. Hell, I’m throwing hands if he walks in the direction of my wife, mother, or cousin Bob. You best believe children are a no-go.


What the hell was going on over at Led Zeppelin HQ? The man has pipes, and I’m not going to continue this line of thought by making some sort of “pipe” joke. Just to be safe, John Paul Jones should probably get added to this list by association alone.


There’s no denying that Steven Segal can melt faces with delicious guitar licks and a mastery of the instrument. But in addition to putting the fretboard under siege, he has allegedly done the same to underage, non-consenting coworkers while working on his movies. Despite being objectively the most attractive, talented person on this list, he is forbidden from coming anywhere near my family.


I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told Zephyr to run if a creepy man with gross hair says that he has some toys in the attic to show her. This melting cornhusk of a man is currently being sued for sexually assaulting a minor for whom he assumed guardianship. And people are still buying tickets for the Aerosmith farewell tour?


Different phases of our lives are soundtracked by different phases of Bowie’s artistic output. At least they were until I learned of David Bowie’s supposed disgusting dating history. Actually, “dating” is a very inaccurate word here because that implies consent and maturity. Legends like Bowie never truly die, which is why I wouldn’t let Zephyr anywhere near his grave solo.


I don’t actually know of any allegations of sexual impropriety against Eric Clapton, but fuck this dude anyways. He seems like an asshole dipshit and I don’t like any of his music anyways. 5 minutes alone with my daughter and she’d probably end up some sort of anti-vax incel.


This is The Hard Times, so you know we had to throw this in. It’s time to amend that “death and taxes” quote with “The only guarantees in life are death, taxes, and pop-punk musicians being outed as absolute creeps.” Even bands who haven’t been accused of anything yet should be watched closely. There’s something off about dudes in their 30s writing songs about high school anyways.