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I’ve Forgotten More About Moshing Than You’ll Ever Know Thanks to CTE

Hey there, new meat. First mosh pit? No? Well that’s not what it looks like to me, a mosh pit veteran. What kind of technique is that? You look like you want to jump in on some double dutch but you’re too scared. Damn, I know so much more about moshing than you. And thanks to all the head trauma I’ve endured, I’m fairly certain I’ve forgotten more about moshing than you’ll ever learn.

I’ve been going to shows as far back as I can remember, which at this point is about two hours. My life is like the movie “Memento” but with less helpful tattoos. I’ve learned everything there is to know about moshing, except for the things that have seemed to fall out of my head for some reason. Maybe you should spend some time at this show looking around the floor of the pit for some of that knowledge I dropped. And while you’re down there could you help me find my glasses? I need to find them so I can smash them on your poser face.

What pits do you know? I know all the pits. Push pits, circle pits, punch pits, Sarlacc pits. You name the pit and I can tell you the exact moment I got concussed in it. Not from memory. I have all my hospital bracelets at home next to my show fliers and ticket stubs.

Your entire show etiquette is horrible! You’re crowd surfing with your shoes on? That’s how people like me get kicked in the head, causing us to forget that we’re not supposed to wear shoes while crowd surfing, leading us to kick more people in the head, continuing the cycle. Ignorance is an epidemic and you’re patient zero. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna go all Chris Benoit on this pit.