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I’ve Been Kicked out of Sexier Cults Than This

You think you’re better than me don’t you? Look at you all- wearing your robes of judgement, chanting “Exile,” shielding your ‘leader’s’ eyes from the sight of me. I bet it makes you all feel pretty big casting me out like this, doesn’t it? Well I got news for you, I don’t give a rats ass about this banishment. I’ve been kicked out of way sexier cults than this one, believe me!

You guys think you’re such hot shit. Please. You guys make Heaven’s Gate look like NXIVM.

What you call an orgy I call a tuesday. That’s the goddess’s honest truth. Look at this place! Condoms? Hypoallergenic lubricant? Safe Words?! Are you idiots trying to make a moon child or are you starting a fucking day care?!

Now Children of God, THERE was a sexy cult. Those hippies knew how to bone. This? This is just sad.

I should have smelled amateur fuck cult on you noobs since day one. Making me jack off in that coffin. Could you be any more cliche? You didn’t even ask any good interrogation questions! “Have you ever killed anyone?” “Have you ever had sexual thoughts about a family member?” Talk about basic.

That’s you guys. Basic. You’re a basic bitch cult. That’s what I think of you.

Related: Am I the Ugly Guy in This Cult?

Hell, I was halfway out the door anyway! I know they say to never leave a cult before you have another cult lined up but there’s only so much lame shit one man can take. I got my dick wet more than this in Jonestown and we were STARVING for fucks sake!

And here I thought Waco wasn’t sexy. At least David Koresh did blow! What kind of a cult leader doesn’t know how to score a decent bag of cocaine? Hell I’ve had better coke orgies when I took classes at the UCB and they’re not even technically a cult! .

If any of you plebs need me I’ll be crashing on Jordan Peterson’s couch gettin my fuck on. Laters.