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Is Punk Dead? Maybe Not, but This Specific Punk Is

Is punk dead? Is the music and culture we hold so dear flourishing as much as it used to? Are we just too proud to admit that maybe it’s time to trade in this directionless angst for a steady job at Lowe’s? I really can’t tell you if punk is dead but I can confirm with 100 percent certainty that this specific punk I’m looking at right now is.

Holy shit is this punk dead. I’ve poked him with a stick like seven times now and he hasn’t moved a bit. He’s also not breathing, which is one of the telltale signs of someone being dead. That or he’s just really rude.

To confirm his un-aliveness, I started saying things that any punk would be forced to react to under any circumstance. Things like, “maybe the reason you guys make fun of straight-edge people is because deep down you envy them” and “your band’s new single has the same title as a Carrie Underwood song I like. Is it a cover?” Nothing. I was truly amazed by how dead this punk was.

I wonder what his last words were. While I will most likely never know, I can confidently guess that they were a little less “Rosebud” and a little more “Yeah, fuck Weezer.”

Maybe this is a sign of things to come for the punk world and this fallen hardcore hero lying face down in an Arby’s parking lot could very well serve as a larger metaphor for the state of our beloved DIY culture. All I know is that I’m taking this watch.

That’s not stealing right? He’s dead so it must cool and plus I really like this watch. While I’m here I might also grab his jacket and wallet chain too because they’re also pretty neat. On second thought, why stop at just the wallet chain? Woah, this guy really died at the wrong time. He was only two punches away from a free calzone. Score!