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Is It Just Me or Does This Perfect Metalcore Song Need a Shitty Singing Part To Ruin It?

Our latest song is almost done, but something’s missing. The vocals sound like a freaky werewolf threeway, the breakdown chugs like a monster truck rally, and the bass player is there, too! But…

Is it just me, or does this perfect metalcore song, which could transcend generations if given the chance, need a shitty clean singing part to ruin it? A hook written and performed so poorly it undoes the listener’s enjoyment of the rest of the song is exactly what it needs, and I bet Steve Albini would agree. There’s zero chance we’ll sing the right pitch or maintain vocal harmony for more than a few seconds, but that’s okay. This lackluster chorus is an opportunity to prove that metal performers are superior composers with the most emotional intelligence and creativity, dammit!

The song will still be about the secrets we keep from our loved ones, because metalcore is and always will be about writing bad poetry. It’s not like we’re going to sing one time and agree to be in the very first Pepsi commercial we’re offered, okay?!

“An open Door”–an incomplete phrase is a good name for a song, right?–should have an overly-melodramatic chorus we’re unprepared to execute live. In a perfect world, our drummer Steve will sing it. He’s always coughing, and the sound of his asthmatic, pre-tracheotomy vocals will give our new song the disappointing emotional chorus that no one but me asked for.

I can see it now: “An open Door To a Divorce Proceeding”–that’s probably what Rick Rubin would call it–being added to the National Recording Registry in the Libary of Congress for our dynamic vocal performance. And then, Ronnie Radke himself inducting us into the Libary of Congress Rock & Roll Hall of Fame. What. An. Honor.

This is a chance to reinvigorate metalcore with something new and groundbreaking. This song–


is gonna reignite people’s love of a genre that was tailor-made for Hollister bad boys. I bet people will hear “An open Door To a Divorce Proceeding and a Baby Shower”–sounds like a Brian Eno song–and finally recognize our songwriting chops. Maybe we’ll be invited to play Willy Nelson’s birthday party or the Indy Jazz fest! The sweet sound of our drug-addled voices could take us literally anywhere–including the very first soda commercial we’re asked to do. Pepsi or Coke. Either one.