I walk into a dark room. Sitting on a chair in the shadows is a man with a painted face. He’s asked to remain anonymous, for safety reasons, he preferred to go by his Juggalo name ‘Sexy Dead Bitch’. I’m here today to discuss a sensitive issue, one many would rather keep quiet. This man is going to be my guide inside the ironic ICP fan to earnest Juggalo pipeline.
SDB was not always the painted face Faygo consuming Juggalo that sits before me today. He used to be just a college student when the video for Miracles came out. He thought it was so funny that these harlequins didn’t know about magnetism, and made fun of them with his friends. Sure, it was funny to say that Violent J looks like Guy Fieri if he had less self-respect, that got a laugh from his friends. For them, that was enough. For Sexy Dead Bitch, his ironic obsession had just begun.
SDB tells me about his first time going to an ICP concert. He convinced his roommate to go with him, it would be so funny to go there and make fun of these face-painting idiots. “Wouldn’t it be hilarious if we painted our faces too?” They went to the concert, indistinguishable from any other Juggalo. Only a strange thing happened. SDB’s roommate was making fun of the Gander Mountain employees at the show when SDB didn’t find it funny anymore. These folks understood something deeper, the fact that we are all just living in the Dark Carnival, and Shaggy 2 Dope was the only one brave enough to talk about it.
The next day SDB had a craving for Faygo that he couldn’t control. He drank liters of it before noticing he hadn’t cleaned off his face paint from the night before. And why should he? This was his new face, his true face. From that day forward he presented an encyclopedic knowledge of all states’ age of consent. He had become a true Juggalo.
I sat across from Sexy Dead Bitch with my mouth hanging open. I offered to bring in a scientist to discuss his transformation, but he affirmed that he didn’t want to talk to a scientist because those motherfuckers lie and make him pissed.