Dear Sir,
I hope this letter finds you, though previous correspondence has remained undelivered due to complaints from the Post Office that your mailbox keeps screaming at the mail carriers. Regardless, this letter must be sent as a means of receipt following your previous residence, then eviction or exorcism, or whatever you’d call it. Below is an invoice detailing the significant damages incurred by you while living at the premises:
Wall Damage
Multiple claw marks, holes, and several contorted human faces fused into the wall. Faces appear to sob at odd intervals, causing further water damage to the plaster.
$1,500 for structural repair
Rusted Rube Goldberg Machine Found Under Load Bearing Studs
Machine has no determined use, but repeated attempts to dismantle it have resulted in our workers going missing only to be found later, nude, wandering the apartment complex.
$800 for removal, +$200 lost man-hours
Floor Ooze
Thick, iridescent slime coating most floors. Absorbed two vacuums and a mop bucket in what we believe was an attempt to fight back.
$900 for industrial cleaning, $200 for emotional damages to cleaner, $300 lost materials
Furniture Disposal
Blood-soaked bed frame and a floating chair that had to be wrestled down by four workers.
$300 for disposal, $50 broken ladder
Sewage Pipes Filled With Rotting Meat
You were repeatedly warned that only toilet tissue is allowed to be flushed down the drains. This feels personal.
$3000 Plumbing Fees
“The Box” Disposal
Disposal of chained slatted cube emitting constant low-volume hum. Two workers attempted to “join the box.” and more nude wandering transpired.
$400 Disposal Fee +$200 lost man hours
Unauthorized Tenant
Discovered a walnut-faced shriveled man in one of the kitchen cabinets. Honestly, he couldn’t have been a nicer guy about the whole thing and left following numerous apologies. Regardless, there are rules about subletting that are clearly outlined in the lease agreement.
$1500 Fine for Violating Renter’s Contract
TOTAL DAMAGES: $9350
Please remit payment immediately. If not received within 30 days, I will be forced to contact a collections agency.
Sincerely,
Justin P. Drew
Property Owner, Landlord