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If You Don’t Do Something About the Annual Murders, I Can No Longer Send My Kids to Your Summer Camp

I wish to bring a troubling issue to the attention of the management at Camp Crystal Lake. I have been sending my children to your summer camp for the past three summers and each summer they return home traumatized after witnessing their friends and counselors being brutally murdered, allegedly at the hands of a camp employee or her child. If this matter is not resolved, I am afraid that this summer will be the final one we patronize your facilities.

While I enjoyed my childhood summers at Crystal Lake, I had my misgivings when the camp reopened based on my own experience surviving the repeated massacres that occurred. It was my hope that this matter had been addressed and rectified before you announced that the camp would reopen.

I find it highly irresponsible that you would continually foster an environment in which none of the staff seems to survive to the end of the summer. I am also fairly confident that this workplace environment would violate numerous OSHA and state regulations. Additionally, I must call into question the judgment of your human resources department, do you not conduct background checks on the people that are supposed to be responsible for the health and safety of our children?

The final straw, however, was following the conclusion of last summer’s camp session, only three of my four children were returned to me. This is unacceptable. I send my children to your camp so that they can experience the joys of smoking grass and having sex. not so that they can be butchered with a machete.

While I wish that I could simply resolve this matter by addressing it on Yelp and filing a complaint with the Better Business Bureau, it is clear to me that your shortsightedness and lack of attention to the needs of your client base are not issues that you will be resolving anytime soon. Given this knowledge, I am forced to question my continued patronage of your organization.

I appreciate your prompt attention to this matter.