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I Quit My Job to Follow My Dream of Asking Strangers on the Internet for Money. Can I have Some Money?

Believe it or not, I used to be really pathetic. I used to be the guy who was routinely borrowing money from his parents, friends, and even total strangers on the street – and never paying it back. I was practically a professional mooch. Or at least I wished I could be.

Oh sure, I had some measly part-time job, but I knew our lazy God in heaven had more in store for his ever-moochin’ son.

That’s when I discovered websites like Go Fund Me, Patreon, and other crowdfunding sites that enabled me to quit my job and realize my dream of begging Internet strangers for money!

Speaking of which, could I have some money?

Now, instead of calling my parents every month for rent, I can send out a Pateron link to strangers on Twitter and I never have to talk to my parents again! And instead of borrowing my friend’s Netflix and Hulu passwords, I can crowdfund a VPN service and torrent the shit out of my favorite shows!

The fact is, begging like a street urchin for spare change is so passé. Crowdfunding your brunch and Trunk Club subscription is where it’s at!

Related: YOLO! Quit Your Job and Travel the World for Free by Asking Your Absurdly Rich Parents Super Nicely


Sometimes I can’t believe I didn’t think of online mooching before. And you don’t want to know how low I used to sink. Most weekends I’d make some bar patron dare me to take a major league dump in my pants in exchange for a beer. But now, I’m using Reddit pinheads to buy me a pony keg!

Hey, any word on that money I asked for? Could I have some? I’m good for it.

As for my day-to-day as a professional internet mooch, I like to grab the bull by the horns at the crack of 2:30 pm and start grinding out one or maybe even one and a half hours of sharing my crowdfunding profiles with naive old folks on Facebook.

Can you just give me a couple of bucks? Come on, ya prick. Haha, sike! But seriously. Money.

Sure, it’s a lot of hard work, but I’m proud to say that I no longer rely on the financial safety net of friends, family, and male white privilege. Instead I have sewn together my own safety net out of the hard-earned cash of online strangers.

Anyway, you’re obviously a very busy person. Just Venmo that money you promised me and I’ll let you be on your way. Thanks and God Bless!