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I Don’t Care if My Daughter Doesn’t Like Crazy Town, if I’m Paying for This Wedding I Pick the Band

One minute you’re cruising around in your ‘96 Golf Turbo with custom exhaust, rocking a bucket hat and wristbands around both forearms, the next you’re an insulation specialist with a polo shirt and a beer gut. Life can go by fast. That’s why when the opportunity strikes, you gotta grab it with all your might. Or at least with the bulk of the savings you put away for your daughter’s wedding.

I’ve been setting money aside for my daughter, Kälah’s special day for almost a decade now. I couldn’t be happier for her and Tighler. So I’ll be goddamned if they’re gonna tell me I can’t book Crazy Town to absolutely rock this shindig.

Technically, it’s “Shifty Shellshock’s Crazytown Experience.” Not Crazytown official. But he was always the best part of the band anyway. When I found out I could book him for nine grand, I couldn’t believe it. The fact that I could bring the voice of “Butterfly” to the Warwick Knights of Columbus Hall lifted my spirits even more than when I found out my little sugar baby was getting hitched.

Things haven’t been going so well these last few years. I look back on my life and I wonder what happened to that young man that took speed limit signs as suggestions and seriously considered getting a blackout tattoo on my right arm, albeit to cover up the barbed wire tribal I got at Ozzfest ‘98.

This is my chance to get some of my mojo back. Sure, we’ll have to substitute a few things. Like I can definitely handle baking the cake. How much could a couple of Betty Crocker Funfetti mixes possibly cost? We can also make it a potluck. That way guests won’t have to decide on chicken or fish. And who says you can’t get a nice wedding gown at Dress Barn?

You give everything up for your kids. The fast cars, the phat clothes, the dreams of owning your own professional-grade DJ coffin. It’s okay to take a little back after they’re an adult.