Making new friends as an adult can be challenging. But fear not, good reader—here are our tried-and-true tips for how to make a brand new friend totally organically, only to be filled with instant and searing regret when you realize they’re trying to sell you the fucking Socialist Alternative newspaper.
Chat up that attractive punk with a Carhartt beanie
Ok, play it cool. You’re at the bar and there’s someone super good-looking but like, in a normal way, not too intimidating. Try to comment on their beanie, or the fact that they have a Cursive’s Domestica shirt on and ignore the potential that they just got divorced.
And honestly, let’s not even bring romance into it! Just talk about some upcoming shows and see if they want to chill sometime. You’re doing great.
Hang out exactly once
Awesome, you’ve got their number and you’re texting like wildfire. It’s time to meet up at some highly overpriced brewery and awkwardly talk about three bands for half an hour.
Realize they’re trying to sell you a fucking newspaper in 2024
Kinda weird but like, they keep asking if you’re free on certain nights of the week to go to “some meetings.” At first, you thought it might be AA or something, no judgment, but now they want to know about your political leanings. And then they’re pulling out a stack of papers from their backpack…
Son of a bitch, they’re trying to sell you the goddamned Socialist Alternative newspaper. This is bad. Skip out on the tab and say you’re too broke to pitch in. Run like hell.
Never speak to them again
This step might be hard, but you can never see this person again. Every single hangout will end with a shill. You might be tempted to text them a diatribe about how selling newspapers in the year of our Lord 2024 is not only a bad business plan but kind of useless activism-wise but hold your tongue. You just have to never go to a trendy bar again and wear a disguise for the several shows you talked about attending together.
Become hyper-capitalist as a result of your trauma
You know, maybe if all today’s socialists have to offer is overpriced printed media, maybe we’re on the wrong side here. Might be time to get into stocks and shit, maybe get one of those 401k things you keep hearing about. No idea what they are but they sound cool!