They say the key to a man’s heart is through his stomach, but what about his mind? That big, powerful mind far too busy thinking the big thoughts to care about frivolous things like Valentine’s Day or basic hygiene? It seems counterintuitive, but that same part of his brain that made him think seeing Gladiator 2 would be a great way to spend your birthday can actually be used to get him into Valentine’s Day!
Smell his roses, eat his chocolates, then spice it up by reminding him of the martyrdom and horrific death of Saint Valentine: patron saint of lovers, beekeepers/beekeepresses, epileptics, and now your heart. Just follow these 10 easy steps!
STEP 1: Slip into something lacy, gloss your lips, and light a bunch of candles. Perhaps place them in the shape of a cross, up to you.
STEP 2: Stroke his bicep and ask him how often he thinks about the Roman Empire.
STEP 3: Respond, “haha, I love that” and play with his hand in yours.
STEP 4: Ask him if he would still love you if he was on active duty serving in the Roman army.
STEP 5: When he says yes, ask him if he thinks married men make for worse soldiers during unrestricted wartime.
STEP 6: When he says “Uh, I don’t know” remind him Pagan Emperor Claudius Gothicus thought so, and when Saint Valentine defied his ban on the sacrament of marriage by secretly marrying Christian couples, he was beaten with clubs and beheaded outside the Flaminian Gate in Rome.
STEP 7: Giggle softly, toss your hair exposing your stunning collarbone, and say “Isn’t that crazy?”
STEP 8: Rest your head on his lap and gaze up at him. Ask if he would surrender to martyrdom like Saint Valentine by refusing to renounce his undying love for you and taking you as his wife, even if it meant immediate public execution of flogging followed by an axe to the base of the skull, leaving him but a bloody pulp in the town square.
STEP 9: Aggressively flutter lashes and wait for his response.
STEP 10: If he says anything other than “Of course, baby”: SCREAM, knock over the candles setting fire to his home, and storm out.