Press "Enter" to skip to content

How to Dress for the Cult you Want, Not the Cult You’re In

Buyers remorse is a drag, especially when it comes to your religion. One day you’re just minding your own business, enjoying a healthy bowl of communal gruel or mending the one burlap sack you’ve been given as clothing and all of the sudden it hits you: “Oh my god, I’ve pledged 1 billion years of servitude to the WRONG CULT!” Well, you’re not alone, and there is no need to panic. Just remember those magic words “fake it till you make it.” Knowing where to begin can be daunting. So, here is some advice on how to dress for the cult you want, not the cult you’re in.

Survey the Field – There are so many great cults out there. But you should never start a cult-search with a grab bag approach. Be sure to weight your options and choose a path.
Find a cult that shares your values right down to your very bones. This is important because upon death they may need to grind your bones up and eat them.

Details are Important – With your dream cult now in play, it’s time to go beyond just wearing the same clothes. Even the most basic initiate can find a matching robe. In today’s highly competitive cult environment, if you want to stand out, you’re going to need to go the extra mile. Identify special jewelry, footwear, bead shape, cryptic tattoos that could be pieces of a map if they were ripped off the skin of several people and then assembled like a big, bloody puzzle.

We Gave These 4 Teens Hot Topic Makeovers and Then We Kicked Their Asses

Wear What You Know – Keep shopping at places you’re familiar with. You’ll already be familiar with how things fit and sticking to the places you’ve shopped in the past can be a great way to keep your budget under control. Plus the Dollar Store rolls over cashiers so often you’ll be harder to ID.

Stay the Course – You’re going to get some resistance from friends and loved ones. They may have questions like, “Why are you wearing a Carhartt jumpsuit in July?” Just remember, you cannot trust any of them now that the truth has been revealed to you.


Prepare Your Body – A new cult is going to bring change. A great way to get ready is not only ready your mind but also your body. You don’t want all those new outfits on a frame you’re not proud of, right? Think about a UV Bombardment or fingernail flattening. If those are too costly, there are great tutorials online about ear-reversal or eyebrow elevations. You must embrace the new you as it becomes the new us.

With this advice in your arsenal you’ll be in your dream cult in no time. Just remember not to get too flashy. Looking like you want to move up can get you moved down. Introduce changes to your ensemble slowly and suddenly, less the leader grow suspicious of your plans to flee and sentences you to the cry chamber for another fortnight.

Want to support Hard Times? Buy a shirt. We’ll use the money to write more articles.