Two things keep us Kansas City folk up at night—The Chiefs team name and Travis Kelce’s raw sexual prowess. I can look past a lot of things for the sake of my spank bank, but personally, nothing ruins a wet dream more than racism.
Unfortunately, Travis Kelce is still sitting there with an Irish boy haircut, a neck that looks like a tree trunk, and…kind eyes…but like, really, he has kind eyes…Doubly unfortunate, he chose to play for the team with the most racist name in the league. Don’t quote me on that, I’m not an NFL expert, but I’m sure there are other dark histories I’m unaware of hiding in the cloth of America’s favorite violent pastime. Anyways, sick. Cool that you chose them, Trav. I don’t know how these decisions are made, but I feel like you didn’t have to do that. But, alas, you decided to make this hard for all of us, in a lot of ways.
The only thing that could have made this whole situation worse was if The Chiefs doubled down and had, like, a super racist chant for white people to yell at the stadium. Wouldn’t that suck? Wouldn’t you think that we should be beyond holding onto tradition for the sake of tradition’s sake when it actively hurts already marginalized people? Wouldn’t you think that was obvious?
WAKE UP SHEEPLE!! We live in the U.S. of A. The famous “Tomahawk Chop” is a real Missouri fan chant. Hometown pride alert <3 But don’t worry, it gets worse. It is accompanied by somehow even more racist hand movements. And yes, all conservative and/or libertarian white men in the Kansas City area get hard as a fucking rock when they hear it. If we really want to get into the nitty gritty - Studies show that 98% of Chiefs fans don’t actually know how the game works, they’re just really horny for big broad-shouldered men. Primal instinct, if you will. So - how do we condemn The Chiefs team name while still wanting Travis Kelce to kiss us gently on the neck? First: You start calling them The Chefs. Plain and simple, no explanation needed. If The Chefs could run laps around The Chiefs, they would. Second: Release yourself from the prison of your mind. This means taking Travis Kelces’ corporeal form and releasing it into the creative depths of your imagination, bereft of current American culture. It’s easy, since he’s so fine he can cross historical lines - going from dirty Neanderthal to jacked Security Guard in the blink of an eye. Am I telling you to create your own personal Travis Kelce smut? No. But, I’m not not. And to the girl who is kissing him gently on the neck: If you weren’t aware, you have the entire nation in a perilous choke hold that has put unjustified power in your words and actions. That’s not very cool 🙁 So I urge you to refer to my first step and start calling them The Chefs, so by next season we will have the sauciest team in NFL history. Which, I can confirm, is a fact.