Are you someone who thinks your life can’t get any worse? Did you hijack a parade float and drive it 120 on the highway, then do it again the moment you posted bail? Me neither, unless a jury of my peers says otherwise.
Don’t change your behavior, change your mindset. Life becomes much simpler once you realize this is just who you are, which is why I’m at a payphone dictating this article to my parole officer to tell you how to accept your new life as a bottom feeder.
Tip #1 – Refuse any help offered to you
It doesn’t matter if they’re offering to pay for a state-of-the-art rehab facility and have an easy, fake job lined up for you at your uncle’s dealership afterward. Be more defensive and furious the more sincere an offer is. You can’t accept your new low-life status if you’re always trying to get better! Also, trying is a lame activity for finance bros and mothers. Watch Family Guy now, be introspective later (a.k.a. never.)
Tip #2 – Scream at families walking past you on the street
You’re garbage, and you know that now. But do other people know that? Being open about your worthlessness will work wonders to help you accept yourself as a cave-dwelling reprobate. Get right up in a middle-class family’s face and show those kids you aren’t ashamed of your failures, or the fact that your testicles are poking through a hole in your dumpster-dived True Religion jeans!
Tip #3 – Fully deck out a 1996 Mitsubishi Eclipse
Having something to work on can take your mind off the many, many horrors in your life. There’s no better way to distract yourself while also signaling to everyone around you that you’ve accepted mediocrity than to put a spoiler on a car with flat tires and no hubcaps. Stare at the flame decals and be proud that they’re only a little crooked. Soak in its pathetic beauty before it’s inevitably stolen by an equally depraved lunatic or repossessed.
Tip #4 – Lower your expectations
Your parents always wanted you to become a doctor or a lawyer. That’s a high standard bound to end in disappointment, so set the expectation that you’ll wind up beneath an underpass sniffing around for some stray cat nookie! That way, it won’t feel so bad when all that ends up happening is you jerk it to a half-eaten Pizza Hut signature pan pizza because the wastefulness creates the fantasy of opulence in your perverted little mind.
Tip #5 – Pay me fifty dollars right now
Lastly, the best, most effective, foolproof, airtight strategy to become content with your pathetic circumstances is by going on Venmo and sending me fifty dollars. I don’t know why it works, but it does. Trust the process. Do you want my advice to work or not? Exactly. So, send me a crisp, digital Ulysses S. Grant, and you’ll be cool or hot or rich or whatever I said earlier.
There you have it! The perfect five step plan. Oh, by the way, my Venmo is LmaooooYouJustGotSwindledDumbass