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How Millenials and Literally Everyone Else on Ebay Are Killing the $20,000 Custom Shop Jimmy Page Aged Sunburst 2009 Mint Condition Industry

Back in my day, people valued hard work. I fought tooth and claw to become VP at my father’s coal company at the age of 22. It took literally months on the workforce before I got my first 5-figure bonus. It was around this time I started collecting guitars. Jimi Hendrix reverse-headstock Stratocasters, B.B. King “Lucille” ES-355s, and Keith Richards-inspired Custom Teles line the walls of my gated-community McMansion.

But nowadays I look around and all I see are lazy millennials working 90-hour minimum-wage workweeks and driving Lyft until 3am to buy $400 Jazzmasters for their bullshit emo revival bands. I’m starting to suspect that none of them have ever even heard of Stevie Ray Vaughan.

I digress. Turns out, “COAL IS THE FUTURE!” is just something my dad would shout during his night terrors; United Coal & Fuel is dying faster than our canaries. And I need some cash fast. Two of my Triumph motorcycles are in the shop, and these button-up short-sleeve flame shirts aren’t going to dry clean themselves.

I need to sell the crown jewel of my collection: a AAAA flamed maple-top aged Gibson Custom Shop Jimmy Page Aged Sunburst 2009 Les Paul Historic VOS in mint condition. Try saying that three times fast, you single-coil indie bitch. This thing RIPS. I assume. I’ve never taken it off the wall. It’s better than having a giant dick (which in some remote cultures, I am considered to have).

$20,000 is a small price to pay to sound and look like one of rock’s great riff machines. It will only be a matter of time before you too start dating a 13-year-old and get knighted by the motherfuckin’ Queen of England.

But none of you fuckers are biting. I’m relisting this on eBay for 4th time this year, and I’ve come down to a BARGAIN $20,000. Overpriced Gibson guitars are one of America’s last great manufacturing success stories. And it’s dying. Gibson almost bit the dust this year. Could they right the ship by acknowledging the afforable SG as the staple guitar of punk for the past 30 years? And could they try marketing towards the poors and the under-50 crowd? Sure. But will they? Never. Not as long as almighty Slash somehow continues to breath and endorse lime-green Les Paul monstrosities.

So do your part. Buy my guitar on eBay. Save America. Maybe Tricia will stop sleeping at her sister’s house and come home to me.

Hell, maybe I’ll use some of the money to actually learn how to play guitar.

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