I hated my body for years. No matter how much I worked out or how many compliments I guilted my friends into giving me, I detested the way I looked. That all changed one day when I had an epiphany: love is relative. That means I don’t need to appreciate my disgusting body at all! Instead, I just had to hate everyone else’s bodies so much that, by comparison, I found my body irresistible. And it worked!
To be honest, it wasn’t all that hard. Most of you people are disgusting. But even if I have to look hard, I will find your flaws. Whether you’re skinny, fat, skinny-fat, short, tall, or tall-fat, there’s something gross about each and every one of you. Like my dad always used to say, “You’re ugly and nothing will ever change that.”
But he was wrong! About me, anyway. I used to hate going to the beach because I didn’t want to be seen in a bathing suit. No more! Now, thanks to my gold medal in mental gymnastics, I hate going because I have to look at all of you in bathing suits. Even if I don’t immediately see a flaw in your appearance, your existence becomes a reminder of my own flaws—like my big fat kidneys—and how dare you bring up my big fat kidneys!
Every time I start feeling insecure, I just open my window and look outside. Your inadequacies sustain me. There was a time when I envied people who loved their bodies. Now I envy the blind. Ugly is all I see. Disgust is all I feel. But at least I don’t have body image issues anymore.