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How Can You Call Yourself a Record Store if You Don’t Have This Crate of Records I’m Trying to Sell You?

Nice little shop you got here. I like the basic, minimalist approach- you probably keep all the good stuff for yourself, huh? Hey, relax, I’m just kidding! Though I will say, I couldn’t help but notice a few blind spots in the three minutes I was browsing. I’m talking about albums no self-respecting record store should be without. Namely, these specific records I have in this crate, which, coincidentally, I am trying to sell you right now. 

No I’m not the guy from last week wearing a different jacket, why do you ask?

Anyway, your jazz section is looking a little thin, but I’ve got some smokin’ Al Hirt sides for you. This is some really rare stuff and the sleeve mold hasn’t even spread to the vinyl yet. This daddy really cooks, kitty cat!

This stack here is all self-released 7-inches from regional bands I traded merch with on tour. They’re all very hard to come by unless you know any of the band members personally and then it’s easy because they’ve got boxes of this shit that they don’t have the heart to throw away.

Your bins are surprisingly lacking in 2000s Pitchfork-approved indie rock. I’ve got all the Best New Music alumni here- Tapes ‘n Tapes, The Hold Steady, and who can forget the third album by Bloc Party? It’s time to allow for a whole new generation to condescendingly pretend this music is good.

I’ve got everything you need. Have you heard Jefferson Airplane? Well here’s Jefferson Starship. Do you like Van Morrison? I’ve got his 80s stuff. There’s Barbara Streisand, big band classics, Christmas albums put out by tire companies, and that James Taylor record with just his face on the cover that seems like it might be something cool at first glance but it turns out it’s just James Taylor- it’s all here! Oh, and this lame version of the White Album that the store fucked up and stamped “0000001” on. You can just have that one.

I’m gathering from the look on your face that now you’re even less interested in buying these records so I’ll take them back out to the car. But sit tight and I’ll be right back with my CDs.