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Hollywood’s Unattainable Beauty Standards Are Damaging to Ugly, Up-and-Coming Serial Killers Like Me

It’s hard out here for a serial killer. I have to plan every detail, cover my tracks, choose the perfect victim, and remember to save hardware store receipts for tax write-offs all by my lonesome. The last thing I need to worry about is how I look.

This is my main problem with Hollywood’s unattainable beauty standards for serial killers. Look, I get it- Ted Bundy was hot. We’ve all seen the memes. Seriously, he was really fucking hot. I wholeheartedly agree with casting Zac Efron to play him. He’s got abs for days. But not all of use were blessed with the bod of a Dahmer, or the forward-thinking fashion sense of a Kaczynski, or the musical talents of a Manson.

But I’m really good at serial killing. Why isn’t that enough?

I’ll have you know I have a lot of other good qualities. For example, did you know that I only kill straight white cisgendered men because I’m an ally? No, you never thought to ask because I’m not ‘dreamy’ enough. But I vehemently oppose violence against women and am doing my part to right the wrongs of humanity’s misogyny.

I canvassed for AOC! Not only that, but I straight-up disemboweled two disingenuous DSA bros who were only there to hook up with chicks. I could see right through their Women’s Studies Minors into the heart of their toxic masculinity. I donate to Planned Parenthood!

I bet I’ll get no love letters or marriage proposals when I’m in jail because I have a severe under-bite and squeaky high voice. Everyone is so vain. It’s all enough to make me want to quit serial killing and open an Etsy shop.