Press "Enter" to skip to content

Hey You, Crowd Killing. Get Your Dick Inside Me. Now.

Hey, you. Yeah, I’m talking to you. The one crowd killing by swinging fists directly into unsuspecting show patrons trying to watch this band. I’m going to need you to stop for one reason and one reason only: To get that rock-hard dick inside me right fucking now. Judging by your face I can tell it’s already hard. They didn’t ask for this pounding — but I am. You pick the hole.

Oh, you don’t see me? Well, I see you. While you were flying in and out of the pit like a banshee in a washing machine, ruining the show experience for half the crowd, I was left to watch helplessly from the corner — soaking wet. I moved closer to the speaker hoping the vibration would relieve me but it only made me wetter. How you haven’t slipped and fallen in the puddles I’m creating thinking about your dick inside me is beyond my comprehension. Do you practice these moves? You must.

Hold up. Did you just throw aside a 100-pound high schooler like they were a flyer for next week’s matinee show then leap on top of the lead singer and incoherently scream the lyrics to a Hatebreed cover? You better have two dicks because I’m afraid that one might just not be enough to satiate this attraction.

Related: We Spoke With a Bouncer Who Can’t Wait to Choke You the Fuck out Tonight

You’ll have time for me, right? The line of people waiting to be blessed by your sweaty nether parts must be growing fast; I can see from the many looks you’re getting and the fact that the lead singer has on multiple occasions reminded the crowd to respect one another that I’m not the only one who notices you. But you must be mine, and mine alone.

Hold the fuck on. Is the bouncer kicking you out? That’s complete bullshit! What a clam-jamming prick! But, wait. Is this my chance? Oh, my God, yes! I’ll be in the alley waiting for you and if I have to shank a motherfucker to get to the front of that line I will. My nipples are hard enough to cut glass, I’m sure they could gut someone like a fish if called to. Whatever it takes to get that dick inside me, now.

Have you ever considered gutting someone to get a crowd-killing asshole’s dick inside you before anyone else? Let us know in the comments below!

Article by Kris Fiore and Sari Beliak @TheCrassCeiling