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Help! I Fell in Love With a Man Who Rides an Electric Longboard to Work!

When I pictured falling in love, I imagined the classic story of “girl meets guy and falls in love.” But apparently, fate had other plans for me. My love story is more like “girl meets guy and falls in love but then the guy leaves the girl’s house the next morning to go to work on a fucking electronic longboard.

Let me start from the beginning. I met the man of my dreams online. We chatted back and forth for weeks. I was smitten. When we finally met in person, something felt off. He was wearing flip-flops and a Tommy Bahama shirt and tried to pay for our meal with an NFT of a banana.

But then it happened. When he stood up to leave, he pulled out an electric longboard. A device he claims is his sole source of transportation. I watched him smoosh down his man bun, clip on a proprietary Bluetooth helmet, and ride off up a hill, nary a foot touching the ground.

I’ll admit the warning signs were there. On his profile he mentioned he was a skater, but not once did he acknowledge any of my deep-cut references to 80s skateboarding movies. Not once did he like any of the advanced tech deck video tutorials I’ve uploaded to Youtube. Not once did he tell me to shred gnar.

I bet he wouldn’t even recognize Tony Hawk in an airport.

I thought using Bumble rather than Tinder would protect me from this exact situation, but it turns out that absolutely no one is safe from douchey electronically powered devices. Skating is not a crime, but secondhand embarrassment caused by people riding electric skateboards should be.