You spent four years in the most exhilarating relationship of your life. For the first time, you felt lovable. You never thought a loser like you would experience that kind of connection in your life! But now you’ve broken up and you’re crying in the middle of the street because an ice cream truck drove by playing “You Are My Sunshine.” So here’s five Magnetic Fields songs to make everything worse!
With these songs as your constant companion you’ll burn through your post-breakup depression and be ready to make the same mistakes all over again with someone new in no time!
5. I Don’t Want To Get Over You
This is a classic. Everyone knows that the best way to make a breakup worse is to convince yourself that you’ll never love again. Treat yourself to a pack of clove cigarettes and straight vermouth and let the cortisol shoot through your veins.
4. I Thought You Were My Boyfriend
This is a great song for when the break up anger kicks in. Feeling like an idiot for opening yourself up to love in the first place? Feel like romance is a practical joke being played on you? Crank this tune while you and your single friends pretend to swear off love forever.
3. Too Drunk To Dream
“Sober, life is a prison. Shitfaced, it’s a blessing.” Dreaming of your ex is a common side-effect of sobriety. If you go to sleep strung out on cheap wine and gummy bears, you’ll never dream of anything! Just be careful not to drunkenly sleepwalk to your ex’s place and shout, “you heartless bastard, you’re my one and only!”
2. I Don’t Believe In The Sun
If there’s a sun in the sky, why is life so cold and dark lately? The sun is obviously a lie that the Hallmark made up to sell cards. The world is a dark, horrid hellscape. Just stay inside all day and ignore your “friends” trying to coax you to a park. Those happy idiots are too stupid to realize what pointless existence we’re all suffering through.
1. Andrew In Drag
This tune actually isn’t sad at all, so why are you crying? Because all life is pain now, silly!