Ew, gross! You just got off your grandmother’s couch while you were visiting her and you accidentally brushed against the crucifix on her wall! You even touched the actual Jesus part of it. Ugh! Oh God, does Christianity spread through touch, like the flu? You’d better play it safe and listen to these five Mercyful Fate songs to reverse whatever damage has just been done. And we’re going to err on the side of caution here by sticking to their self-titled EP and first two albums. They put out some killer stuff post-reunion, but you need to listen to their most evil songs so you can get back on Satan’s good side. Here we go:
1. The Oath
This one is absolutely essential. With lyrics solely dedicated to praising the Dark One and denying that dude on the cross you just accidentally touched (we still can’t believe you did that), this one is sure to wash away the residual stink of goodness and purity it left on you. Make sure you headbang and play air guitar to it, because God hates that!
2. Into the Coven
This one made the PMRC’s “Filthy Fifteen,” so it’s got to be a good choice in abjuring the god that those dipshits worshiped. It also opens with a catchy little medieval acoustic ditty that probably fooled a lot of Boomers when their kids would listen to it in the eighties, which we totally appreciate. Hail Satan!
3. Devil Eyes
Hell yes, a song about taking an angel through the gates of hell. What more could Lucifer ask for? Well, he probably expected you to steer clear of that fucking cross while your grandmother rambled on about the drama in her retirement community, but nobody’s perfect. Turn up the volume so he knows how sorry you are.
4. Black Funeral
No! Get those righteous, wholesome thoughts out of your head! We were hoping the Christianity wouldn’t take, but you need Mercyful Fate now more than ever! Sing along to these blasphemous lyrics! Sing towards the heavens to let them know you reject their Lord and Savior!
5. Come to the Sabbath
OK, it seems like you’re in the clear. Better give this song a listen, though, just to be sure. It’s about a Black Mass being held in a graveyard, so it should ensure you’re back on the left-hand path. That was a close one! Are you all better now?