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Everything We Know About the McDonald’s Child Labor Scandal

A recent investigation into southeast child labor law violations found massive infringements by over 60 McDonald’s Franchises. Most notably, two 10-year-old children were found working at a McDonald’s in Kentucky, sometimes as late as 2:00 a.m., doing everything from operating the fryolator to working the drive-thru. Here’s everything we know so far:

The Children were not paid, but were given great exposure

Money is great, but the leg up this experience has given these kids for finding diminutive, underpaid work in the future is invaluable.

McDonald’s has pledged to reform its child labor practices until this story sort of blows over

A Spokesman for McDonald’s assured the public that they are dedicated to eliminating the exploitation of children “from now until the next thing that happens that people get all up in arms about, probably tomorrow.”

The children were made to believe the labor was a game, like in Roberto Benigni’s “Life is Beautiful”

Compared to the Holocaust this really isn’t so bad.

When you factor in the life expectancy of people living below the poverty line, those kids were 36

Senior regional management was quick to point out that compared to the life span of a person with a job that society arbitrarily values, those children were well into adulthood.

They looked cute as hell flipping those fries 

I mean, just adorbs.

Anything that fell on the floor was theirs

After a brief investigation to determine the drop was, in fact, an accident and a stern reprimand, Timmy was allowed to eat the nugget he dropped with no sauce.

Food Prepared by children contains up to 20% more love 

Without them, the special sauce just wouldn’t be as special.

The manager was careful not to actually look at the children 

Reportedly he even went so far as to explicitly say “There better not be children working here, that would be terrible!” while staring at the ceiling and making a little “keep it going” motion with his finger.

“Do you want our employees to have access to daycare or not?”

“McDonald’s is really getting a lot of mixed messages here.”

Burger King does the same thing but with shittier kids

 “We don’t think we’re speaking out of turn when we say the child labor violations of our competitors are ganglier, more awkward, and less satisfying.”

McDonald’s would like to remind everyone that third-degree grease burns heal faster and more efficiently when they occur at a young age

“When you think about it, it’s actually cruel that we don’t employ more children.”

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No one is truly innocent

We are all born into sin, as it is in scripture.

Operating a fryolator is part of Kentucky school’s common core curriculum

Technically these kids were at school the whole time.

The 10-year-olds were working under the direction of their parents

Those children were under no corporate pressure to complete tasks save for the insurmountable amount of work a McDonald’s employee is expected to complete for $8.22 an hour and the threat of starvation.

You don’t really care

You’ve been daydreaming about a fillet-o-fish all goddamn day and you are goddamn getting one.