Oof, things REALLY aren’t going well right now, are they? It seems like every day our president does something that would be a career-ending exercise in executive overreach for any other politician, only to have it be completely lost in the endless flood of shit perpetually polluting our news cycle. At this rate of democratic backsliding, we’ll be Hungary 2.0 within the next few years. Bummer!
Well, no matter! Remember the ‘90s? You were likely too young to recognize how horrible the world was, and at any rate, it is decidedly worse now. Why don’t you distract yourself from America’s rapid authoritarian descent with this ultimate playlist to lull you into a false sense of tranquility as you remember the good old days?
Track 1: Mariah Carey – Fantasy
Alright, we remember this banger! Mariah Carey was all the rage in the ‘90s, and this was a prime example of her dominance over the world of pop music. Remember hearing this blasting from your sister’s room as you were playing Super Nintendo? Hell yeah. Let that dopamine hit while you forget about how the POTUS withholds federal funds from universities simply because he doesn’t like them.
Track 2: Gin Blossoms – Follow You Down
The Gin Blossoms are everybody’s favorite six-hit wonders from the glorious ‘90s! Go ahead, lose yourself in the warm nostalgia this song gives you. Don’t you dare check your Reuters app. Trust us, you don’t want to see what new nightmares today has brought!
Track 3: Toni Braxton – Unbreak My Heart
Toni Braxton had some serious vocal talent, and we’re willing to bet she never unlawfully and erroneously arrested, deported and detained anybody who had protected immigration status. This song reminds you of the car ride to Pizza Hut to cash in your BOOK IT coupon for one of those tiny pizzas, and ICE was nowhere to be found. Ugh, God yes.
Track 4: Seal – Kiss From a Rose
Jesus Christ, the Supreme Court just gave the Trump administration the green light to racially profile people during immigration raids. Whoops, sorry! We checked the news for a second. That’s our bad. Won’t happen again. Anyway, remember “Batman Forever”? Remember those special commemorative glasses from McDonald’s? Isn’t this song, and the temporary mental escape chute it offers, great?
Track 5: Shawn Mullins – Lullaby
Oh wow, this song sucks. What the fuck were we thinking when we put it on this playlist? It’s completely ruined the good mood the previous songs had put us in. You know what? If we had to deal with bullshit music like this back then, we could totally withstand having that worthless prick in the White House for another few years.
This article is satirical. The Hard Times is a punk/hardcore satire site. All content should be considered parody and entertainment purposes only.
