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Disgusting: Thousands of Handwritten Letters and Food Network STILL Won’t Come out With a Gal Fieri

These days there’s a lot of talk about the “glass ceiling” in America; the invisible barrier that prevents women from rising to true equality with men socially and economically. But there are other barriers spread across the culinary hot spots of this great nation that for too long have remained unspoken of. I’m talking about the GLASS DINERS, DRIVE-INS, AND DIVES!

It is 2017 and despite a highly successful grassroots letter writing campaign, The Food Network still REFUSES to come out with a Gal Fieri!

How did we let this happen? How did it come to this? It’s been nearly 100 years since American women were given the right to vote and yet every day I need to cope with the fact that giving recipes kickass names like Mac-Daddi-Roni Salad and Awesome Pretzel Chicken Tenders has been deemed a man’s job.

Since when is it exclusively the dominion of the male gender to be greasy, ignorant, and hateful? I do not believe having your own name becoming synonymous with unpleasantness is a goal that only a man can achieve. It’s time for the Food Network to give a women a chance.

Related: Meet the Punk Couple Probably Changing the World With Organic Soap or Some Shit

Here’s a short list of reasons that a Gal could not only be just as good a Fieri as a Guy, SHE could be a BETTER ONE!   

  1. A woman can spike and bleach her hair JUST AS WELL AS ANY MAN! Not only that, but several women are actually blonde already and wouldn’t even require bleaching! This could save untold amounts of money in pre-production.
  2. Having your new restaurant receive a zero star review from The New York Times requires absolutely no genetic predisposition toward upper body strength.
  3. Kid Rock has been known to eat chicken with women on SEVERAL OCCASIONS!

A fact is a fact. You don’t need a penis to listen to Sugar Ray and hate gay people, you just have to want it!

In this age of enlightenment are we supposed to ignore a woman’s capacity to be a gross, manufactured slob? Are we really just supposed to accept the fact that just because a woman can’t grow a goatee…

Shit. I forgot about the goatee.


Yeah OK, nevermind. Forget the whole thing.