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Disgusting: I Murdered Someone and Now Tucker Carlson’s Talking About Me Like We’re Friends

This is a fucking disgrace. Do I like escalating shit? Sure. Do I like killing people? Fuck yeah! Do I like when bowtie-wearing goobers sully my reputation with their smarmy support? Hell no. Now that weird dork, Tucker Carlson, is broadcasting to the whole world, praising me like we’re best buds. I had a reputation I was trying to maintain as an honest, self-made murderer but now I’m scared people are gonna think I’m lame.

There goes my chances of meeting any of those women who are sexually attracted to murderers. With my name connected to that bowtie dweeb, I might as well be a lowly sex offender.

When did killing people become a political statement? My murderees weren’t even protestors. Free me. I am an apolitical prisoner! People would know that if they bothered to read my manifesto.

Once you read it, you’ll see that all I care about is to tear the flesh, to wear the flesh, and to be born into new worlds and my victim’s body is the key. Tucker is too much of a close-minded conservative to understand anything about new worlds. I would certainly never invite him over to check out my collection of severed fingers. Steve Doocy, maybe. But never Tuck.

Great, looks like all his dorky friends at Breitbart are praising me too. Can’t loser politicians go back to blaming murders on heavy metal like they did in the ’80s? I can’t believe there’s someone lamer than Tipper Gore.