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David, This Is Grandma, I Hope I Am Doing This Right. I Don’t Think You Should Be Putting That Offensive Music up on the Facebook. Your Little Cousins Could See It. Also, Could You Tell Your Mother to Call Me, Johnsonville Sausages Are on Sale at Krogers and I Wanted to Know If I Should Pick Any up for Her.

You have such a pretty singing voice, why do you have to scream all the time? Remember when you were in the Christmas Chorus in 4th grade? You were so cute in your sweater and antlers.

Stuffed pepper recipes.

Google stuffed pepper recipes.

David, is not working. Can you come over and fix it?

Next time your little band plays let me know. Your aunts and I would like to come and see. Maybe you could play something quieter. Your grandpa used to sing Torna a Surriento to me … before the stroke. Do you know that one? You should not be listening to music with names like Nashville P—y or Revolting C—s. What does Diarrhea Planet even mean?

Eyehategod?! David Call me ASAP! This is highly inappropriate.

Your mother just told me you are an atheist now. I hope you are joking. I guess that means no Christmas presents.”The fool says in his heart, ‘There is no God.’ They are corrupt, they do abominable deeds, there is none who does good.” – Psalm 14:1!

Geraldo is saying thousands of kids are dying from bath salts. It is an epidemic. I hope you are not doing them. I told your mother to throw out the Bath & Body Works basket I bought her just to be safe.

Your cousin Kelli got into University of Chicago Medical School. You should talk to her. You are such a smart boy; you should go to college. Please don’t get another tattoo. Who is that pretty girl in the picture on your Facebook page? Is she your girlfriend? She should be, Asians are very modest and resourceful. I would love to meet her.

David, I just saw on Fox News that there was a stabbing in Austin, Texas. I hope you are not there right now. I know you’ve been there before. Please call me to let me know you are safe.

Related: Oh No! Mom’s New Boyfriend Is Tony From Victory Records!

That dang squirrel is back.

Patricia, it’s your mother. I don’t think you are being strict enough with David. He needs structure.

David? Is this still you?  Please ignore the last message! It was not meant for you and was personal. Love you.

Please let me know if you got this message in the comments below.