WASHINGTON — President Trump showed off his physical prowess today in an attempt to dispel rumors about his failing health by climbing inside a coffin, where, “through sheer force of will,” he will remain for all eternity, sources confirmed.
“This is going to be the most alive you’ve ever seen a person, folks, that I can assure you. People are going to come up to my coffin, crying their eyes out and say ‘Wow, President Trump, you are so alive and it makes me want to have big beautiful babies and name them Donald.’ Can you believe that? Lots of people are saying Donald is the best baby name for boys and girls,” boasted Trump to reporters in a pre-recorded video played on a television next to the coffin before hoisting himself into the casket, where he will remain for all of time. “As I am about to demonstrate, I am not only alive, I am physically strong enough to keep my body perfectly still in this coffin from now until the end of creation. I won’t need to breathe or eat because of how perfectly still I will be being. I can’t wait to see how CNN spins this one!”
Press secretary Karoline Leavitt fielded all follow-up questions, meeting the understandably confused reporters’ inquiries with defensive hostility and caginess.
“I don’t know how many different ways I can say this to you people. As you can see, right in front of you, the President is lying in his eternal leadership place, healthy, happy, and protecting the rest of us from Nuremberg tribunals,” said Leavitt. “If he weren’t alive, how could he even make the decision to lie perfectly still in the coffin to begin with?! Not one of you has asked ‘Isn’t ICE doing a fantastic job out there?’ and you should be ashamed of yourselves. Donald Trump is alive, his uncle taught the Unabomber, and tariffs make us strong — get over it.”
Political analysts are torn by Trump’s move, with some praising it as a genius master stroke showcasing American Fortitude and others claiming it’s pretty clear he’s just dead.
“It’s pretty fucking clear he’s fucking dead.” said Fred Talbot, a professor of Political Science at Stanford. “What we’re seeing now from his inner circle is some bizarre, panic induced shared delusion. It’s obvious that the cult of Trump dies with Trump, and now this circus of uncharismatic yes men are shouldered with the blame for his many many crimes against the constitution. Even if just limited to the ones we know about these people are fucked, and you know there’s a shit-ton we don’t even know about yet so yeah, they’ve gone fucking insane.”
When reached for comment, a sullen JD Vance replied that he’s “not supposed to talk about that,” before ranting about how none of the other cabinet members are invited to his birthday anymore.