I hope you assholes are happy.
Recently, The Hard Times asked our readers, who we honestly thought were more mature than this, to vote on the sexiest song of all time. We thought it’d be fun to interact with our fans and compile a list of the most passionate and lusty tunes imaginable. Instead, you pricks were like “hey, someone is trying to contribute something worthwhile to the world. Let’s take a steaming dump all over that idea and nominate some fucking ‘90s novelty dance song.”
Congratulations, shitbirds. Because you got your wish. The world’s sexiest song is “Cotton Eye Joe” by Rednex. You happy now? Doesn’t that just get your genitals all hard and/or wet?
We even tried to give you the benefit of the doubt. “Hey, if this is what they want, fine. We’ll write an article about how sexy ‘Cotton Eye Joe’ is.” But this is as far as we got:
“With it’s sultry banjo plucking and pulsing, thumping Swedish beats, ‘Cotton Eye Joe’ is the quintessential fuck tune for getting steamy- oh my God what am I writing?!”
At which point I became so enraged I punched our office intern. So just know that your horsing around on the Internet gave an innocent journalism major (from an art school, don’t worry) a black eye – all because you can’t be sincere just one goddamn time in your stupid, garbage, idiot lives.
And it’s not even like we could simply cut “Cotton Eye Joe” and use the next song, because here are the other “world’s sexist songs” you dillholes nominated:
“Detachable Penis” by King Missile
“Suck My Ass It Smells” by GG Allin
“Proud to be An American” by Lee Greenwood
“Theme from Schindler’s List” by John Williams
“Sweet Georgia Brown” aka “Harlem Globtrotter’s Theme Song” by Ben Bernie and Maceo Pinkard
Thanks for nothing, you lousy bunch of cowards.
I just hope now that you’ve got this tomfoolery out of your system you can give some real answers next month when we ask who’s the punkest ninja turtle.