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We Bought the GG Allin Advent Calendar but Are Afraid to Open It

Christmas is rapidly approaching. Malls are abuzz with holiday shoppers and many folks are starting to put up their decorations and resume yuletide traditions of ole. We here at Hard Style figured there is no better way to get into the holiday spirit than with a man literally named Jesus Christ. So we bought the GG Allin advent calendar. But frankly, this thing is fucking gross and we are afraid to open it.

GG Allin, a man known for stripping naked on stage, shitting, throwing said shit at audience members and smearing it on his own face, posthumously created the “Scumfuc Advent Calendar.” I mean, if that alone doesn’t conjure up the spirit of Christmas, nothing will. And, once again, his birth name is actually legally Jesus Christ.

Alright, let me take a closer look at this thing. Jesus guys, this thing is fucking rank. There are actual flies buzzing around it. Dude, the cardboard is sopping wet! Why does it smell so bad? What company agreed to manufacture this? Is GG actually in there??

I don’t even think we’re starting this at the right time. This calendar has sixty-nine days. How old is this thing? Why is it so wet??? Oh, God, I think it just moved!

Related: A Lyric-By-Lyric Analysis of GG Allin’s “Suck My Ass It Smells” – What It Says About the Man


It fucking stinks in here. I’m not touching it anymore. What a fucking waste of money. At least it came with a copy of his previously unreleased Christmas album, A Very Ass Fuckin’, Butt Suckin’, Cunt Lickin’ Christmas, which will be perfect for the Hard Style office holiday party.