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An Open Letter to My Little Brother: Stop Hitting Yourself.

Dear Little bro,

You’re a real cool guy. Pretty much everyone agrees with me: Mom, Dad, Uncle Andy. It’s been a long time coming but I think everyone thinks you’re going to turn out alright and stop being such a twerp.

But I have something important to tell you. This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you.

Bro, you’ve got to stop hitting yourself.

I wouldn’t bring it up if it weren’t such a problem. It really seems like you can’t stop hitting yourself. Your hand slaps your chin and your chest and then starts hitting the side of your head. I see it and I have to sigh because, sometimes I think you’ll never stop hitting yourself. Why can’t you stop hitting yourself? Stop hitting yourself.

Look you’re a good kid. Remember that one time someone farted and it got blamed on you. It wafted to you over the pew at grampa Daniel’s funeral and you smelt it which led everyone to the conclusion that you had, in fact, dealt it. You denied it; said it was me. Later, I guess out of guilt or something, you couldn’t stop hitting yourself because you knew it wasn’t cool to deny it. I don’t make the rules. You smelt it therefore you dealt it. It’s a fact of life. And it wasn’t me who was hitting you, it was you, bro, you were the one hitting yourself. You’ve really got to stop.

Being your older brother is hard. Sometimes you say the thing I’m about to say right before I say it. It’s really annoying, man. When you keep saying the thing I’m about to say over and over and then start hitting yourself you make life hard for everyone. You’ve got to learn to think things through. Hitting yourself is not the answer. I’m trying to lead by example, show you what your life would be like if you didn’t hit yourself.

Even though it seems impossible now, I truly know that one day you’ll stop hitting yourself. That will be the day you can finally defend against the harsh realities of the world. When you finally quit you won’t even have to ask for time on the Xbox because even though you’re clearly not as good as me on it, your hands will be free from the shackles of hitting yourself.


Your big brother.