Let’s face it, everyone has a friend who plays in a horrible band. We want to be supportive of their musical dreams but we also don’t want to be burdened by having to go see them perform because they’re absolute horseshit. If you still want to back your pals but don’t want to spend another Friday night assaulting your eardrums, here are a few helpful tips instead:
1. Give your ticket to a coworker – Tell your friend that you’re really stoked to see them play but you’d rather help them build a fanbase which is why you gave your ticket to Gary from work. Your friend will appreciate this thoughtful gesture and will be clueless as to its true motivation.
2. Convince them to go on tour – Blow smoke up their ass by telling them that they’re so good that they definitely need to tour out of state for exposure. You’d love to travel and see them play if it wasn’t for your job/depression/all those pesky outstanding warrants you have waiting for you as soon as you cross state lines, whatever. Oh well.
3. Buy all their merch – Pretend you’re their biggest fan by buying all of their merch and flood social media with pics of you wearing it, to distract from the fact you’ll be in a nearby bar watching a band that doesn’t suck out loud play.
4. Offer to help set up equipment while faking an illness – Lie and say you’d love to check out their gig but you’ve been puking all day. You’re not sure if it’s Covid or another venereal disease, you just know it feels like you’re dying. Offer to help them set up their equipment at the venue for as long as it takes, but your concerned friend will insist you stay home and recover instead. Fuck yeah.
5. Wish them success while faking your death – After your illness runs its natural, fabricated course, sit them down and break the bad news that you’re going to die. Apologize that you won’t be able to see them perform anymore, but that your last wish on earth is that they finally make it big. Ask for privacy and keep a low profile until the band breaks up in a couple months and your friend becomes a realtor like all your other ex-musician friends.