Ever since my uncle lost 87% of his skin I’ve been a strong advocate of turkey fryer safety. When I became a contributor for The Hard Times, it was my hope to use the site as a platform for my crusade this Thanksgiving. Initially when I pitched the idea for a turkey fryer safety article my editor gave me the note “nah dude, make that shit about weed.” Eventually, a compromise was reached. Here are what I believe to be the five most important turkey fryer safety tips to remember this Thanksgiving followed by a completely unsafe tutorial to convert your fryer into a bong that I implore you never to try.
1. Never Leave The Fryer Unattended
Once your turkey fryer is set and cooking you may be tempted to pop back into the house just for 30 seconds or so to check on something in the oven. Well, think twice, because those 30 seconds account for 59% of all turkey fryer related mishaps. Please, don’t just skip to the weed stuff.
2. Defrost Turkey COMPLETELY Before Frying
As my uncle Jerry will tell you from the eye movement controlled computer from which he now communicates, ice and oil don’t mix. Even a partially frozen turkey in a deep fryer can spell disaster for… is anyone reading this? This is seriously important.
3. Do Not Overfill The Fryer
Frozen or not, had uncle Jerry not overfilled his turkey fryer with oil he might still have part of a face. Make sure you read the instruction on your fryer carefully and adhere to the fill line. And for sure do not convert your fryer into a bong as directed below.
4. Keep A Grease Rated Fire Extinguisher At Arms Reach
You don’t want to have to learn the hard way that not all fire extinguishers are created equal. When shopping for an extinguisher pay close attention to… look there are so many easier ways to smoke marijuana. You don’t need a turkey fryer bong! For the love of all that is holy, don’t do this!
5. Keep Children And Animals Away From Fryer At all Times
Great advice, too bad you scrolled right past it to get to the weed stuff.
I beg you, ignore the illustration below and read my safety advice carefully. Under no circumstances should the construction of this bong be attempted.
OK here it is:
