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5 Tips for Traveling the World While Maintaining an Incredibly Narrow View of It

I love to travel. Travel is the first interest listed on all my dating apps, right above Cards Against Humanity, and “adventures,” which is basically travel. Keep scrolling my profile and you’ll see pictures of me doing worldly travel stuff, like climbing Machu Picchu, touching a depressed looking elephant, and high fiving African children like I’m Mother fucking Teresa. But look closer and you’ll notice that my political views are listed as “conservative.”

You might be wondering how someone can be exposed to so many different cultures across an interconnected globe while staving off any shred of empathy at home or abroad. That’s why I’ve shared these tips for keeping your head comfortably in the sand while collecting those passport stamps.

1. Cruise Ships
This one’s a no brainer. Cruise ships are how many of us wanderers get our start seeing the world from a safe distance. The all-inclusive packages mean you can do whatever you want without worrying about money, which is pretty much how I live all the time! Plus, the ship only docks for a few hours, so before you can think about how cruise lines are impacting the local economy, you’re back on board in time for jetpack lessons. America first!

2. Stay Fucked Up
Mind Erasers are also conscience erasers. There’s no room to reflect on the hidden costs of the comfort you enjoy back home when bottomless margaritas are on the menu. Plan your trip so that you’re never more than three feet from a three-foot Hurricane, and chances are there will be enough drunk Americans around to make you feel right at home. Spring break forever!

3. Remember, You’re On Their Turf
Don’t forget that you’re a visitor here. You can be friendly and courteous to the locals because they’re currently not trying to sneak into America. Sure, they’re all jealous of your freedom, but these people are busy living their lives. So just relax and snap a few artistic pics of them staring directly into the camera for the gram.

4. Party Drugs Only
We’ve all heard of Silicon Valley CEOs taking ayahuasca to unplug from the Matrix, but steer clear of mind altering psychedelic drugs while traveling if you’re just looking to have a good time with your ego intact.

Seriously. Like, my friends wanted to come to this temple rave but no one could find any molly, so Luke suggested we all take mushrooms instead, and now I’m separated from the group and I’m pretty sure I’m surrounded by demons. Everyone here thinks I’m a bad person including me, and I’m afraid someone will take my wallet, but I’m also not sure why I deserve wealth and privilege if we’re all part of the same living, breathing planet. Humming feels really good right now, you should try it. Why was I born where I was?

5. Avoid Mirrors
OK. Never ever look in the mirror. I am freaking the fuck out right now. My pores have eyes, the U.S. is an imperialist nation, and I need to stop using K cups. I have no idea who I gave my wallet to, or how long I’ve been locked in this bathroom, but the good news is I found the demon. My plan is to keep him trapped here until this blows over and I can go find an embassy or a McDonald’s. If you are reading this, please contact my parents. They have money.

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