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5 Times This Ronald McDonald Statue Gave Me Detailed Instructions on How to Murder My Roommates

Has the Ronald McDonald statue in front of the McDonald’s talked to anyone else, or just me? He’s tried to make small talk with me a handful of times. It wasn’t that weird at first, but then he went from asking my opinion on the weather to seeing if I was comfortable pouring acid on my roommates when they were sleeping or strangling them with piano wire. After that I started to get a bit concerned.

Honestly, I’ve lost track of how many times the Ronald McDonald statue has tried to get me to kill my roommates, but these are the top 5.

1. The time the Ronald McDonald statue told me he wanted to be my friend.

Last week the Ronald McDonald statue in front of McDonalds asked me point blank if I wanted to be friends. I was starting to think I’d mcfreakin lost it. He told me he only wanted to be friends if I murdered my roommates for him, before telling me exactly how to do it.

2. The time the Ronald McDonald statue told me he knew my address.

The next time I went to McDonalds I used the drive-thru. I was able to hear the Ronald McDonald statue talk because he was shouting at me. He said, “I know you didn’t kill your roommates, Tyler. And now, I’m gonna come see you at 860 35th STREET, Apartment 3B— I’m gonna watch you sleep, Tyler.”

Related: McDonald’s Has a Menu So Secret You Need to Go to a Whole Other Place Called Outback Steakhouse Just to Order from It!


3. The time the Ronald McDonald statue appeared in my bedroom, bench and all

Last Friday, the Ronald McDonald statue made good on his threat. I woke up in the middle of the night to the statue standing over my bed. “Why didn’t you kill them, Tyler? I’m VERY angry with you.” I screamed, but by the time my roommates came to check on me the statue was gone.

4. The time the Ronald McDonald statue told me to implicate other fast food chains

The next time I went to McDonalds I got medium fries and a McChicken. On my way out the Ronald McDonald statue stopped me and said “Ok, hear me out… what if you murdered your roommates in a very public place, (maybe with a machete?) and yelled “Eat Fresh!” while you did it? That would be cool, right? I think it’d work well as a vine.”

5. The time the Ronald McDonald statue put a knife in my sandwich.

Yesterday I ordered a quarter pounder but as soon as I took the first bite I noticed a 6 inch hunting knife underneath the tomato. I figured it was the Ronald McDonald statue trying to get me to murder my roommates again but I was only partially right.

When I walked outside to try and return the knife the statue said “If you’re not gonna kill your roommates before sundown, you’d better hold on to that knife, ‘cos I’m gonna be coming for you. I’m gonna cut off your lips and wear them like they’re my lips. I’m lovin’ it, Tyler!”

My roommates used up my soymilk one time, plus I really enjoy having lips. Guess I’d better get killing!

Article by Mark Bouchard. @barkmouchard

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