Look, you remember Rick. Your mom’s boyfriend? How could you forget? Summer vacation is coming up and you know he’s going to be there. He always is. To help prepare you for the onslaught of Rick that lies ahead, we at Hard Style compiled the top five times your mom’s boyfriend Rick told you he liked The Clash.
- The Introduction – The first time you met him he seemed innocent enough. The introduction was awkward and your sister was too young to understand; but you did. The chitchat began and your mom brought up your interest in punk. Rick waltzed on in and told you how much he used to Rock the Casbah to The Clash back in the day. Pathetic, he’ll never be like Dad.
- The Record Collection – The first Christmas after the divorce you had to spend all day with Rick. Dad was busy with Carol even though he really wanted to see you. Rick took you downstairs and showed you his record collection and said you could take whatever you want; even Combat Rock. It was kind of cool but he mostly just had Grateful Dead and Bruce Springsteen records. Seriously, even if he had a Uniform Choice LP it still couldn’t compare to Dad’s gifts back in the day.
- The Puppy – The time he got your mom, Sid, the puppy. Mom’s face lit up when he surprised her with that adorable dachshund. She hadn’t smiled like that since the divorce. He almost had you there, until he told you he named him after, “Sid Vicious, you know? From The Clash?” Fucking poser, I bet Mom loves that dog more than him.
- Hard Rock Cafe – Last summer when he took you and Mom to dinner at Hard Rock Cafe. It was awful, if Dad was there you would’ve actually had fun but he couldn’t make it. Rick was so annoying shoving your face in Ramones and Sex Pistols stuff. Always wedging himself in where he doesn’t belong.
- The Ball Game – The last fucking time you saw him, when you were home for spring break, he took you to a White Sox game. They played, Should I Stay or Should I Go over the PA system and he nudged you and tried to sing along, telling you it was his jam. Fucking try hard. That’s the same day he told you his son was almost on the Marlins, show off. Then he went on and on about how his wife and son died in a car accident on their way to a game. Jesus Christ, does he ever shut up about himself? Don’t worry, summer vacation will be different. Dad said he’s gonna make time to visit, then Mom’ll realize he’s way better than Rick.