Welp, your sole pair of Wranglers that you wear to work, shows, dates, restaurants, and even funerals now has a hole in it. We would…
FRESNO, Calif. — You expressed confusion over the band Manowar’s inability to get your girlfriend in the mood for sexual intercourse, sources report. “I don’t…
CHICAGO — Pregnant woman Janice Bonder found herself second-guessing her decision to bring new life into a world where popular metal band Metallica was still…
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. — President Donald Trump’s decision to terminate all of the federal government’s remaining contracts with Harvard University resulted in genius janitors having to…
OK, let me make myself exceedingly clear on one thing: I always do the necessary amount of research before I buy anything, be it a…
CASPER, Wyo. — Municipal Waste fan Dylan Medina was shocked and disgusted after remembering that he drank responsibly at local bar Shooter’s last night, sources…
These days, it’s important for us to find ways to earn a living however we can. Rising costs due to inflation and tariffs can be…
MARSHALL, Minn. — Slovenly and unkempt metalhead Freddy Clark somehow sported the most beautiful head of hair you’d ever encountered, befuddled sources report. “I grew…
If you grew up in the 90s, you no doubt remember watching the music video for Soul Asylum’s 1993 hit “Runaway Train” wherein photos of…
TORONTO — Canadian rock band Barenaked Ladies responded to U.S. President Donald Trump’s sweeping tariffs on their country by threatening to release another single, horrified…
WASHINGTON — President Donald Trump made the decision to replace the country’s highest military decoration for valor in action with the grand prize from ‘90s…
HOUSTON — Local conservative Kyle Edwards found himself hoping female-centric music festival Lilith Fair is revived so he can complain about it, sources report. “I…
We all know representation matters. Whether it’s in the workplace or in our favorite movies and television shows, it’s important to give marginalized communities a…
TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Nu-metal band Deranged found themselves the pariah of their local scene for failing to misspell their band name, sources report. “I wish…
ANN ARBOR, Mich. — Sociologists at the University of Michigan have discovered a shocking correlation between Binaca use and an upcoming date with a smoking…