Folk-Horror Masterpiece, or Are You Just Stoned off Your Ass at a Hobby Lobby?
Hey, you. Yeah… you. The guy hiding behind the plastic shrubs near the restrooms. Listen as carefully as you can…
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Robert John Scucci
86 stories found
Man Ready to Conquer Day After Instagram Algorithm Feeds Him Several Back-to-Back Reels of Horrific Automotive Fatalities
BLACKWELL, Okla. — Local man Darren McFadden was ready to take on his day after his Instagram algorithm fed him…
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The Timeless Thrill of Pouring Hot Oil Directly Down the Kitchen Sink and 5 Other Hidden Perks for Millennials Who Will Never Own Property
Listen up, weary renters! Are you bummed over the fact that you’ll never know the joy that comes with owning…
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Recruiter Wraps Up Another Exhausting Day of Deleting Inbox Full of Unread Resumes
MOUNT KISCO, N.Y. — Veteran Recruiter Nina Masellis is ready to head home after a long, grueling day of indiscriminately…
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Acoustic Guitar at Party Wired to Detonate When Capo Placed on Second Fret
STOWE, Vt. — Party attendees are on high alert after learning that the acoustic guitar on the premises has been…
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Line Cook Who Listens to Music Exclusively Through iPhone Placed Inside of Cambro Under Ventilation Hood Won’t Settle for Spotify’s Inferior Bitrate
NASHVILLE — Veteran line cook Gerry Powell insisted on blaring music through his shattered iPhone 5 by placing it inside…
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Help! I Read the Comments Section, and Now I’m Researching Charlemagne’s Military Tactics on Wikipedia So I Can Win an Argument With a Complete Stranger About Red 40
They say that “no good deed goes unpunished,” but I have another platitude to add to the mix: “no read…
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Help! I Went Back in Time and Murdered Baby Hitler, and Now Everybody’s Comparing Trump to Don Rickles Instead
It’s an age-old question—if you had a time machine, would you go back in time and kill baby Hitler? To…
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Scott’s Bass Lessons Unveils Exclusive 90-Minute Masterclass on Shoving an Ampeg 8×10 into a 1994 Toyota Corolla
LONDON – Scott Devine and Ian Martin Allison wowed bass players across the globe with their new masterclass on how…
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Opinion: If I Had to Trade My Sobriety for One Thing, I Think It Would Be the Ability To Get as Fucked up as Humanly Possible Whenever I Felt Like It All the Time
You know what the worst part about being sober is? I’ll let you guess. Okay, answer time: the fact that…
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