Opinion: Miss Rachel’s Outspokenness on Genocide Makes Bluey’s Silence All the More Deafening
I’m not going to sit here and pretend I’m a perfect person. We’ve all had times when we’ve failed to…
Read More →
Reuben Blanchard
41 stories found
New Study Finds Nation’s Millennials Still Recovering From “The Brave Little Toaster”
NEW YORK — A new study from Columbia University revealed that millennials are still recovering from the trauma caused by…
Read More →
Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 3+4 Adds New Realistic Character Who Can’t Skate at All but Still Thinks He’s Better Than Elissa Steamer
LOS ANGELES — Activision announced that the remake of Tony Hawk Pro Skater 3+4 will include a new playable character…
Read More →
Leftist Who Actually Knows Stuff About Guns Suddenly Real Popular in Friend Group
LOS ANGELES — WeHo-based firearms enthusiast Dave Simpson recently saw a drastic uptick in popularity amongst his left-of-center friends, confirmed…
Read More →
Straight Edge High Schoolers Don’t Need Booze to Not Have Fun at Prom
SIMSBURY, Conn. — Local straight edge high schoolers recently stated that their commitment to living a drug- and alcohol-free lifestyle…
Read More →
Cousin Wearing MAGA Hat and Fake ICE Jacket Doesn’t Want to Talk About Politics At Memorial Day BBQ
WINDSOR, Conn — Local terrible cousin Terry Reynolds made everyone uncomfortable at his family’s annual Memorial Day BBQ by loudly…
Read More →
Festival Promoters Promise Perfect Mix of Incredible Lineup and Being Too Expensive for Anyone Who Actually Likes Music
LAS VEGAS — The promoters for the buzzworthy music festival The Good Old Days are extremely excited for the amazing…
Read More →
Right-Wing Rage Against the Machine Fan Wishes We Could Go Back to the America That Existed When He Was Too Stupid to Understand the Lyrics
PROVIDENCE, R.I. — A life-long fan of the political rock group Rage Against the Machine expressed outrage that the band’s…
Read More →
Democrats Announce Bold Plan to Resist Trump Policies by Playing Katy Perry’s “Roar” Really Loud
WASHINGTON — Democratic leadership announced their plans to play the 2013 Katy Perry song “Roar” very loud in response to…
Read More →
Aging Noise Artist Remembers a Time When You Could Pull Your Penis Out at a Show and Everyone Wouldn’t Get All Weird About It
BOSTON — Local 46-year-old musician Tim Reddy of the seminal one-person noise/grind collective 5CrpseFckPrty complained that you could no longer…
Read More →